GOD commands us to honor our parents, but what if your parents are harmful, and staying in a relationship with them puts you in harms way?
Renee Pittelli has written 3 very helpful books for those who have been, or currently in toxic relationships. These 3 books are; Breaking the Bonds of Adult Child Abuse: A Biblical Textbook on Abusive Narcissistic Families, How They Operate, And How To Deal With Them", Narcissistic Predicaments: A Biblical Guide for Navigating the Schemes, Snares, and No-Win Situations Unique to Abusive Families, THE FAMILY FREELOADER- A BIBLICAL ANSWER FOR SOB STORIES, CON GAMES, AND NEVER HAVING TO GET OFF THE COUCH".
Renee is currently working on her forth book, Narcissistic Confrontations, and is giving us a seek peak on a topic that has been of much interest to myself and others. I wrote about Honoring Abusive, Bad, Evil, Narcissistic, Toxic, Reprobate Parents? in February 2010, and it remains one of my most read articles. Today, with Renee's permission, I would like to share with you the wisdom that she recently shared with me about Defining Honoring.
THEN THE KING BECAME FURIOUS. HE SENT OUT HIS ARMY TO DESTROY THE MURDERERS AND BURN THEIR CITY. AND HE SAID TO HIS SERVANTS, “THE WEDDING FEAST IS READY, AND THE GUESTS I INVITED AREN’T WORTHY OF THE HONOR…Matthew 22:7-8 NLT.
Yes, Sisters and Brothers. Some people are not worthy of honor, even if they happen to be parents. I think we need to give ourselves permission to be the ones to define "honor," and not let evil people or outsiders define it for us and then force us to live by their definition.
First of all, "honoring" is not "obeying." As adults, we do not obey other adults. We have become children of God and we only obey God.
If we set boundaries on our parents’ behavior toward us, how is that "dishonoring" them? We are treating them honorably by expecting them to live up to a certain standard of correct and acceptable behavior, not down to a low, base, primitive level of behavior.
If we need to go No Contact, how is that dishonoring anybody?
All we are doing is giving up trying to change them, honoring their choice to be the kind of person they want to be and live as they wish to live, and helping them not to sin anymore by removing ourselves from the picture so they cannot inflict their evil upon us. Having contact with us contributes to causing them to sin by giving them a target. We are not doing anything at all to a narcissist by simply staying away from her.
If we live in the truth as the Bible instructs us to do, bring evil deeds into the light, and tell the truth about our abusive parents, how is that dishonoring them? Wouldn't it be much more dishonoring to lie about them and hide what they do as if we were ashamed of them? I really think we need to stop equating "honoring" with "obeying" or "submitting" or "overlooking” or “covering up for.” It is none of those things.
Where does it say to honor abusers and forgive the unrepentant who fully intend to continue doing evil and hurting others?
When abusers and their Silent Partners use God's Word against us, it helps to remember that the Bible was never written to benefit abusers or to facilitate their evil and unrepentance, and to suggest that it was is to defy logic. The Bible is the Lord's instructions for godly people in godly families and godly churches, not the ungodly. It is his teachings for his children to live in peace and love with one another, not with the children of Satan. Jesus never ignored wrongdoing or overlooked evil. From overturning the money-changers’ tables in the temple (Matthew 21:12) to the Seven Woes of the Scribes and Pharisees (Matthew 23:1-36), he always spoke the truth, stood up to wrongdoing and publicly rebuked those who did evil, even though it might embarrass them. We are never to honor the evil, nor are we to overlook and tolerate evil behavior, and certainly not to cover it up and keep it secret. To believe that that is what God wants us to do is simply preposterous....